When you want to get off the merry-go-round and can't

Have you ever felt jealous of someone who has an extended amount of free time, like a teacher who has the summer off, or a person who is retired? Have you fantasized about what you would do with all that free time, about how nice it would be to slow down and relax?

Or, have you ever felt as if you're on a treadmill or a merry-go-round that you can't get off, even though you wish you could? 

I've been writing about the importance of soul care - of caring for the deepest part of ourselves, the part that ties all the other aspects together. I've mentioned that one of the first steps in learning how to care for our inner selves is to start to slow down and make space - space to start being instead of constantly doing, to practice looking inward, to enjoy, to start listening to the quiet promptings of our souls. 

As you are probably aware, this is much easier said than done.

The truth for many of us is that, although we may fantasize about having free time, or about "getting off of the merry-go-round", there are other things we value and prioritize more. Many times we know what we should do to take better care of ourselves, but we put other things first. We work through lunch day after day, when we know it would help us to take a break. We keep saying yes even though we already feel overwhelmed. We pretend like we're fine when we feel like we're dying inside. These are small choices, but if each day contains many similar choices, they all add up to a pattern that sucks the joy out of life. As it turns out, so often it is actually we who decide to keep running on the treadmill, or to keep spinning on the carousel, even as we long to stop running or spinning and rest! 

Why is this? Why is it so difficult to slow down, even though it sounds appealing (at least in theory)?

Here are some of the top reasons why it can be so hard to slow down and make space:

We are convinced that we cannot relax until our to-do list has been completed. While this belief seems reasonable at first, it is actually very misleading. Even though you may feel unable to relax unless certain things are accomplished, chances are you will not feel much like relaxing once you've run yourself ragged trying to get through the to-dos of the day, or that you will never stop because the to-do list never ends! You might be surprised to find that even though it may feel uncomfortable at first to step away from tasks that feel urgent, the urgency tends to fade as you give yourself permission to put the tasks aside temporarily. And not only that, but you may return to the to-do list energized and more capable of being productive. 

We feel guilty when we slow down and take breaks. Do you feel like you're being lazy when you allow yourself to take a break during the day, or dissatisfied because you didn't get as much done? Do you feel like you need to earn the breaks you take? If so, then chances are you have trouble giving yourself permission to stop being productive without feeling guilty. Studies have shown time and time again that working without breaks leads to lower productivity. You are a human being, not a work horse, and even though your responsibilities may be many, your job or your family or whatever else is depending on you will be better off if you start building in regular time each day to stop what you're doing and rest.

Slowing down our pace feels uncomfortable, and we're not sure why. This is a big one for a lot of people. It can be a bitter surprise when, after making time to slow down and take a break, it feels terrible. This tends to happen when people use busyness to distract from other emotions that they are experiencing, or when people habitually ignore their emotions in favor of driving themselves forward. If you're really tired of feeling exhausted, and yet you feel uncomfortable when you rest, don't be afraid to push into the discomfort. If needed, therapy can help you to work through the discomfort, instead of continuing to avoid it by going at a frantic pace.

We are unwilling to risk disappointing people by learning how to say no, and so we keep saying yes. Many people are more than willing to put others' happiness above their own well-being, and there is definitely a time and place for this type of selfless behavior. However, running on empty while continuing to try to please others, or saying yes in order to avoid displeasing someone and then feeling resentful and bitter are signs that saying yes is not a selfless action. Sometimes saying no is a much more courageous and loving act than saying yes, and it is necessary to be able to know when to say no in order to properly care for your soul.

We just don't know how. Although in many cases we do know what to do to care for ourselves, sometimes we really don't. If you've ever found yourself with unexpected free time and felt totally unsure of what to do with yourself, this might apply to you. Sometimes we need to start experimenting to figure out what we enjoy doing with a little more space in our schedules. Try a few things and notice how you feel after doing them. Keep experimenting until you find a few things that you enjoy doing, and begin making regular time in your schedule to do those things.

We are all capable of overcoming the various things that prevent us from slowing down and living a more fulfilling, joyful life. If you find yourself in need of some extra support in this process, I love helping people to navigate the challenge of learning how to slow down and live more fully. Click here to schedule a free phone consult to learn more about how I can help. 

How to Slow Down Without Changing Your Schedule

Crowded. That is the word that I would use to describe a lot of things in our modern lives. Our cities are crowded with people and buildings. Our streets and highways are crowded with traffic. Our schedules are crowded with countless to-dos and obligations. Our houses are crowded full of stuff. Our minds are crowded with all the different things we need to keep track of in our fast-paced world. Does your life feel crowded? I know mine does! 

I spend a lot of time wishing that I could slow down to appreciate life and everything that I experience each day, and yet most days I end up feeling distracted - distracted by the crowded noise of life as a working professional. It often feels as if I'm helplessly flowing along with everyone else who is caught up in the rat race, just trying to stay afloat and getting jostled by everyone else who is trying to survive alongside me. I end up competing for space with those around me, instead of taking the time to know them and their stories, to appreciate them as fellow human beings, or to make their lives better through our encounter. Occasionally, the frantic pace will slow, and I will find myself separated from the crowd and the torrential flow of life, able to come up for air, catch my breath and take in my surroundings. In these rare moments, instead of being able to appreciate the stillness and scenery and the break from trying to stay afloat, I will often become anxious and unsettled. I am so used to fighting for my survival and trying to keep my head above water that when I receive a much-needed break, I tend to spend it anxiously trying to anticipate any future dangers that may lie ahead. I am trapped in a crowded world with a crowded soul, unable to rest and yet exhausted from fighting. 

Does this resonate with you? Does your life and/or your inner being feel crowded full of things, worries or distractions? Does your crowded soul prevent you from resting and enjoying life even when things slow down? 

If the answer to either of these questions is yes, you might be wondering where to go from here, or what could possibly help. After all, there are certain realities that come with living in the Santa Cruz area, and most of us can't just drop the things that make our lives feel crowded. What we can do, though, has to do with our inner crowdedness. It is possible to live a very full and busy life while being inwardly still. Jesus did this - from what we know about his life, he was frequently followed by huge crowds wherever he went, crowds full of people who were needy and demanding of his time and energy. And yet somehow he was able to consistently respond to these people with love and grace, making those whom he encountered feel truly seen and loved. How was he able to do this? In various accounts of his life, we are told that he regularly made space to be alone, to pray, to reflect. He made a priority of making space in his busy life, and yet this space didn't come through reducing his daily care for others; it came through taking regular time to be, to find a grounded sense of peace in solitude and silence, and he was able to bring this inner peace into the midst of his busy daily life.

How often do you take time to just be, to reflect on your life and what a gift it is, to appreciate the world around you and the people you interact with each day?

Our society does not encourage us to make this kind of space; in fact, it seems to encourage the opposite, with thousands of satellite tv channels, multiple social media outlets, and the news of the world at our fingertips anytime we choose to look. Our lives are crowded, but so are our souls, and unless we are willing to practice creating some internal space to become aware of what is going on inside, we will remain inwardly crowded, unable to effectively care for ourselves.

So, how do we begin to create this internal space in our lives? We can start simply...a little time and effort can go a long way! Here are some ideas: 

• Start your day by taking 5-10 minutes in the morning to reflect on the day ahead. Become aware of any feelings you have about the day. Acknowledge these feelings and pray about them if you are so inclined. Consider what you might need during the day given how you are feeling.
• Go for a walk. During the walk, focus on what a gift it is to be alive. Notice things with your senses - breathe in the air, feel the sun or wind on your face, see the trees and other scenery. 
• Take a short break in the middle of the day to separate yourself from whatever you are doing. Pray, if you are so inclined, or else simply enjoy focusing on your breathing for 5 minutes. Pay attention to any feelings that you become aware of and to what you might need given how the day is going and how you are feeling.
• End your day with a brief reflection on how the day went. What went well? What was challenging? What do you wish had gone differently? Take a few moments to reflect on these questions and, if you are so inclined, choose a focus to have for tomorrow based on any insights you gain from this reflection.

In the same way that exercise feels uncomfortable when we are out of shape, be prepared to feel uncomfortable if you try any of these, or other, suggestions.

Even though we are tired of the way things are, our souls are used to being overcrowded and underfed, and so when we start to make changes, it can feel very unfamiliar and even unpleasant at first.

My next blog post will address obstacles to making space and why something that seems relatively simple can feel so difficult.

Soul Care: What it is and why it matters

"Our soul is like an inner stream of water, which gives strength, direction and harmony to every other element of our life. When that stream is as it should be, we are constantly refreshed and exuberant in all we do..."  Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart

The past several years I have been on a quest: a quest to discover why I've felt so "off", so disconnected from myself and from others. You see, about four years ago I moved to Santa Cruz from the Central Valley, started a new job and got married, all within the space of a few months. While these were all wonderful and exciting changes in my life, in the aftermath of all the change I felt so disoriented and out of my element. At first I attributed these feelings to having so much transition in my life all at once - who wouldn't feel out of their element and disoriented after changing so many of the basic things that provide us with a daily sense of stability and normalcy? But as the months went on and I slowly adjusted to my new surroundings, I continued to experience an inner restlessness, a sense of disconnection from myself and from God that I could not overcome, and I began to realize that whatever it was that I was experiencing was something much deeper than simply adjusting to life transitions. 

We've all heard of the word "soul" but do we really know what it means? The word soul is used in many different ways in our society - it can mean anything from the eternal, spiritual part of a person, to a descriptive comment on a work of art or piece of music, to a fancy tea drink called the "bowl of soul." People may disagree on what soul actually refers to, or on whether or not we actually have souls. But we all experience times in life when we have a deep sense of well-being - a sense of connection with ourselves, others and the world around us; a passion for and enjoyment of life; a pull toward something beyond and outside of ourselves. We also all experience periods of dullness, of disconnection and detachment - a sense of losing touch with our purpose and meaning or that the light has gone out of our lives. There are times when we feel enlivened by an unexplainable passion for life and living that taps into our deepest dreams and desires, and other times when the meaninglessness or monotony of each day threatens to stifle us. I believe that the common thread tying together these radically different experiences that we all have as humans is actually a living part of us, a part of us that can be named and attended to. I believe this part of us is called the soul.

Over these past several years, I have slowly come to realize that the inner restlessness I felt was actually coming from my soul. In the same way that my stomach signals me when my body needs food or my dry mouth signals me when I need water, my soul also communicates with me about what my inner self needs. We are very used to paying attention to our body's physical signals and we also know what happens when we ignore them - it doesn't take long for us to run out of fuel, and then we are forced to attend to our body's physical needs. But we are more than just physical beings - we are emotional, spiritual and relational creatures with needs that extend beyond the physical.

I believe our soul lies at the emotional, spiritual and relational center of who we are, integrating and connecting these various aspects of ourselves and communicating to us about the state of our interior life and about what we need.

Unfortunately, most of us are not taught how to recognize the quiet promptings of the soul, or if we do, we easily ignore or push these promptings aside. As I navigated through the major transitions that took place in my life four years ago, I had no idea how to pay attention to what my soul was trying to communicate, but I definitely experienced the consequences of ignoring the gentle nudges and invitations to stop and listen. For me, these consequences included burnout, stress, fatigue, joylessness, depression, anxiety and loneliness. After several years of these experiences, I was finally willing to take notice. 

Soul care is about learning how to slow down, create space, listen and pay attention.

This is exactly what I do with people who work with me in therapy - for an hour each week, we create space in my Aptos office to slow down and to listen to the gentle promptings of the soul. Unlike the body's physical signals, which can often be quite loud, the signals of our soul are much quieter, much more subtle, and therefore much easier to ignore unless time, space and attention are given to attend to these inner promptings.

The repercussions of ignoring the signals of our souls are no less serious than the consequences of denying ourselves necessary food and water.  

Gradually and ever-so-surely, as we ignore our deepest promptings, we begin to shrivel and die inside. The spark goes out from our lives, and we are no longer connected to what we are doing. We don't know how or don't want to hear what our innermost self needs, and so we lose touch with ourselves. This disconnection extends outward to create distance from God, others and the world around us. We begin to feel as if we are drifting through life, with no sense of meaning or purpose, or simply surviving and distracting ourselves through each day. This is no way to live! 

We must learn how to attend to our souls - how to listen and how to respond - if we want to live authentic, joy-filled lives.

If we do not learn how to effectively care for our innermost self, we run the risk of completely missing the point, striving after other, more fleeting ways to quell the inner restlessness that we feel. 

So, where to begin? The first step lies in making space - space to listen, to pay attention, and to discern. 

Tune in next week for more specifics on how to begin carving out this kind of space in your life. 

Welcome to my newly updated blog, Life Below the Surface...

...I'm glad you're here! My goal for this space is to provide thoughts, suggestions and camaraderie as we strive to live lives that are full of meaning and purpose. Whether we realize it or not, the desire for meaning - for our lives to mean something to others and to the world - runs strong and deep.  We long to feel significant, like we belong. We also yearn for connection - to ourselves, to other people and to a deeper sense of purpose. When meaning and purpose are lacking, life becomes unbearably mundane, pointless and dull. We end up feeling as if we're on a carousel that is endlessly spinning with no sense of direction or destination. We grasp at things we believe will satisfy our desires...careers, family, friends, travel, fashion, etc...but I believe we need to look deeper. We may resist this truth, but below the surface, our souls are hungry for something more, something beyond the many worthwhile pursuits that never seem to satisfy.

Not surprisingly, it turns out that living "below the surface" - with authenticity, vulnerability and intentionality - is much easier said than done. I think that most of us, deep down, desire to be people of depth - people who are in touch with themselves, with others and with the world around them. We all desire to use the phrase "a life well-lived" to describe the short time we spend here on earth, and yet so many of us struggle to translate these hopes and desires into practical, day-to-day realities. The contradiction between our goals and the actual reality of our lives shows up everywhere we look: we crave close relationships but content ourselves with cheap forms of intimacy; we hunger for meaning and end up distracting ourselves through each day; we desire balance and yet continue to take our cues from society instead of from our own unique needs and personalities; and the list could go on. Throw in the curve balls that life so often throws our way, and living a life of depth and substance begins to seem impossible - simply surviving seems a much more realistic goal.

I have come to strongly believe that, no matter our circumstances or challenges, it is possible to live lives of meaning and purpose. The journey toward this goal may not feel natural or straightforward, which is one of the reasons why it is so easy to find ourselves drifting meaninglessly through our lives. In Aptos and the surrounding Santa Cruz community, we tend to be so busy and distracted that without even realizing it, we often choose the "path of least resistance" - the path that keeps us on the surface, the path that temporarily relieves our discomfort, the path that gets us through the day, the path that ensures our survival. It is generally much more difficult to choose the alternative path - the path that digs deep, the path that allows our discomfort to teach us, the path that takes risks, the path that does not have a clear destination, the path that sometimes seems to threaten our survival. 

To me, this picture captures the tension that awaits anyone who desires to explore this alternative path. Imagine the beauty and the wonder of floating above the still ocean water, getting a perfect view of the night sky full of stars, with the moon's reflection glistening on the water. However, many fearful questions arise when I imagine myself in the hot air balloon: "Where is the land?? Will I have enough fuel to get there? What if I land in the water? I can't see the way forward!"  I could put an end to my fear by staying safely on land. But then I would miss out on the experience of the journey. By choosing the known and avoiding the risk, I would forego a soul-expanding adventure that beckons me forward.  There is beauty and danger involved in this hot air balloon journey, just as there is in beginning to venture down the path toward a life well-lived. 

So are we willing to take the risk? Would we rather continue to play it safe and stick to the surface-level, survival-based living that gets us through each day, or do we sense an invitation to something deeper, something much more meaningful and worthwhile than just surviving? In the coming weeks I will be exploring specific aspects of and obstacles to a life well-lived. Maybe you have doubts about whether this journey would be worthwhile, or maybe you feel drawn toward something deeper, something that is hard to pinpoint or put into words. Whatever your reaction, I invite you to join me in exploring where this path might lead.

10 Steps to Finding a Great Therapist

After weeks, maybe months, of deliberating, you've finally decided to take the leap and go to therapy. You hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you need things to change and you've tried everything else you can think of. You don't know where to begin...you've never been in this place before...so you google "therapists in Santa Cruz" and are met with pages and pages of results. After reading through a few websites, you feel completely overwhelmed and in over-your-head. Or, you leave messages for several therapists and wait for call-backs...days later, no return calls. What to do? You thought deciding to see a therapist was the hard part, but finding a therapist seems even more challenging!

Unfortunately, this is the experience many people have when trying to find a counselor or a therapist with whom to meet. But it doesn't have to be this way. Listed below are 10 steps you can take to find a therapist who will be a good fit for you and whatever is bringing you to therapy. 

Step 1: Clarify your goals.

You might feel clear on why you are wanting to go to therapy at this point, but do you know specifically what you'd like to work on changing? The more specific you are on what your goals are for therapy, the more clear you can be when interviewing therapists, and the better idea you will get as to whether or not prospective therapists have the experience and the resources to provide you with real help. One helpful question to ask yourself is "in 3-6 months, if going to therapy was successful, what would my life look like? How would I be feeling and how would things be different?"

Also, how much time and expense are you willing to invest in this process? How much is it worth to you to achieve the goals you established? Getting clear on what you're willing to invest will help you to find a therapist who is a good fit for the resources you have available.

Step 2: Do some research.

Try specific Google searches for your goals; for example: "therapists in Santa Cruz who deal with depression." Psychology Today has a great therapist directory that allows you to search for local therapists and then allows you to filter these results based on a variety of specific factors, including issues you'd like to address, insurance accepted and treatment approaches. If you're hoping to use insurance to pay for therapy, insurance companies often have lists of contracted providers online, or you can call the number on the back of your insurance card and ask for assistance in finding a therapist. Asking your friends for recommendations can also be helpful.

Step 3: Narrow the results.

These days, most therapists have websites that offer information on their practices and areas of specialty. Are there any websites that seem to specifically address how you're feeling and the goals you've established? Does the therapist make him or herself easily accessible through a variety of contact methods? 

Step 4: Get on the phone.

Before you have any in-person meetings, it's important to speak to a potential therapist on the phone to briefly discuss your goals and to ask the therapist some basic questions. You don't have to get all your questions answered during this phone call...you just need to learn enough to be ready to take the next step of scheduling an initial appointment. Here are some questions you may want to ask:

• Are you taking new clients?
• I'd like to work on [whatever your specific goals/issues are] in therapy. What is your experience in working with this issue?
• What approach do you typically use in your work with clients?
• What is your fee and what are the different options to pay for therapy?
• When do you have openings and how often do you usually meet with clients?

Step 5: Schedule an appointment.

If you speak to a therapist who has the experience you are looking for and who really seems to "get" what you are going through and wanting help with, the next step is to schedule an initial appointment at a time that works for you and for the therapist's current openings. Scheduling a first appointment does not mean you have to keep working with this therapist...during the first appointment you will continue to gather more information to determine whether or not the therapist is a good fit for who you are and for the goals you have.

Step 6: Read over the intake paperwork.

Every therapist has his or her own set of intake paperwork, and usually you will go over this paperwork either online or in the office prior to your first meeting. Going through the paperwork might seem monotonous, but a therapist's policies and procedures typically reveal important things about the way the therapist will approach your work together, as well as what you can expect during the therapy process. Make sure to ask questions to clarify anything that is confusing or unclear. 

Step 7: Initial appointment.

During the first session, you and the therapist will spend the time getting to know each other, clarifying your goals, and determining whether or not working together will be a good fit for you. Here are some things for you to pay attention to during your first session:

• Although meeting someone new, especially a therapist, can be uncomfortable, you should come away feeling more comfortable and at ease than you were at the beginning. Was this your experience?
• Is the therapist supportive of your goals? Did he or she really seem to "get" where you are coming from? Did you establish a clear focus for your work together during the first appointment?
• Did the therapist spend the bulk of the session listening to you and getting to know you? Did you feel comfortable sharing with the therapist?
• Did the therapist give you an opportunity to ask any questions you had?

If you can answer "yes" to all of the above questions after your initial appointment, it is likely that working with this therapist will be a good fit for you! 

Step 8: Attend sessions regularly.

No matter what your particular situation, therapy is always an investment of time, money and energy. In order to make the investment as worthwhile as possible, it is important to attend sessions regularly. If you notice yourself wanting to cancel sessions on a regular basis, pay attention to why this may be and bring it up with your therapist. It could be that the pace of therapy is not right for you, or that you are feeling stuck in some way. Or, it could be that you are ready to take a break from therapy. Whatever the case, having a conversation with your therapist about it will help to clarify the best next step for you.

Step 9: Be honest.

Honesty can be one of the most difficult parts about therapy for many people. Many of us are not used to being honest with other people or with ourselves. But, the more honest you are able to be with yourself and with the therapist, the more you will get out of your investment. This includes being honest with the therapist if you are not satisfied with the way therapy is going. A good therapist will listen to your feedback and adjust therapy accordingly.

Step 10: Track your progress.

A good therapist should regularly touch base with you about how therapy is going and monitor your progress toward your established goals. These types of regular check-ins help the therapy process to stay on track and focused on accomplishing your goals.