Couples Therapy Santa Cruz
Therapy for thoughtful, self-aware couples exhausted by the same fight on-repeat.
You Are So Tired of Fighting
You are so tired. Tired of the same fight on repeat, tired of feeling like no matter what you do or say, it comes out wrong. You’re used to feeling competent and able to solve problems, and yet you and your spouse get into arguments over the most superficial concerns.
You feel embarrassed to admit that to yourself,
wondering what other people would think if they knew what started your last fight. On one hand, you know these things are small matters and shouldn’t provoke such big conflicts. You tell yourself “we should be able to work through this” and deep down you feel ashamed, as if you’re somehow less of an adult because you and your spouse bicker and argue over such “stupid” things.
You keep trying anyway.
Each time you desperately try to make yourself understood. This only seems to further inflame your spouse and before you know it, both of you are escalating, raising your voices, using words that cut deeper not because you are trying to hurt each other but out of sheer desperation to be heard.
Nothing makes a difference.
You’ve tried withdrawing, but living in the ice-cold realm of the silent treatment feels awful to you both. You’ve tried being logical, explaining where you’re coming from, what you need. This only leads to your spouse trying harder to explain what they need. You’ve even tried yelling, raising your voice in the hope that your spouse will register how much this matters to you. But nothing lands…nothing is received…and nothing is resolved.
Here You Are
And so, you’re here. Still looking for a solution, fighting through the pain and sense of hopelessness, because deep down you do still have hope. You don’t want to give up; you just don’t know what to do next because you’ve exhausted all methods of resolution.
It takes courage to be here, still looking for something that will end this painful cycle.
What I see in couples like you is not a broken relationship,
although I understand the pain and hopelessness that comes from being stuck in these patterns. Instead, I see two people who are hurting, each trying in their own way to lessen the pain but inadvertently making it worse. Being in pain isn’t wrong, and neither is trying to resolve it. But when both partners are mired in their own overwhelming emotions, protectiveness becomes paramount, rendering any connection with their partner’s needs nearly impossible. Unfortunately, this leads to an escalating conflict in which both partners feel increasingly misunderstood, uncared for and at the worst unloved.
This is exactly the kind of stuck place in which i specialize.
I’m Laura Kurek, a therapist in Santa Cruz, and I have spent the last 17 years helping individuals and couples out of these stuck places.
I work with thoughtful, self-aware couples who are exhausted by the same fight on repeat to reestablish the love and connection that has been ruptured by years of conflict and misunderstanding. Over and over again, I have seen couples discover a newfound understanding of themselves and each other as they learn how to identify and communicate about the needs and longings that lie beneath most arguments. I have watched couples rediscover that their spouse is able to be the soft landing place, the “safe haven” person who isn’t perfect but who is available and able to respond with love instead of anger.
How the Work Works
I use trauma-informed somatic, Emotion-Focused and Internal Family Systems approaches, which in plain terms means we slow things down enough to understand the protectiveness…the ways in which you are each trying to get your needs met…as well as the validity of the needs themselves and the pain that comes from being misunderstood. This type of deeper work opens up space for both people to not only better understand themselves but to truly understand their spouse, instead of viewing them as the enemy.
In our sessions together, you can expect to:
Better understand your reactions and your spouse’s reactions, instead of staying stuck in frustration and embarrassment
Have the chance to finally be heard and understood, without the conflict
Restore and rebuild trust as you both feel more heard and understood by one another
Feel relief from the tension of the same repeating fight
The Intensive Format
The couples I work with come ready for change. They are done being stuck in patterns of pain and disconnection. They are ready for real shifts, within themselves and in their relationship.
Over the many years that I have worked as a therapist in Santa Cruz, I have found that the traditional format of 50-minute weekly or bi-weekly sessions does not allow for the type of real transformation that my clients desire. This is why:
Over half the session is spent checking in, picking up where we left off and wrapping up.
Actual time left for transformative therapy: 20 minutes
Check-in and wrap-up are the same length of time, although with a 30-minute break.
Actual time left for transformative therapy: 3 hours
It would take 9 weeks of weekly 55-minute therapy sessions to equal the transformative therapy time offered by one 4-hour intensive. Additionally, longer sessions allow for more of the deeper work to happen in one interval, rather than breaking the work up into short, 20-minute increments. So…
One 4-hour intensive = 2-3 Months of weekly therapy!
We begin with a 90-minute intake session in which we get to know one another and get clear on our focus.
We then meet for a 4 hour intensive, typically on the weekend.
We then continue 90-minute sessions, weekly or bi-weekly, for ongoing support in practicing new levels of awareness and communicating.
Please visit my “Why Intensives” page for more information on why I practice therapy in this way.
You Do Not Have To Keep Doing This Alone
Change is possible. No matter how much pain you have both been experiencing, it is not too late. If any part of what you read here felt like someone finally understood what has been happening in your home, that recognition is worth following. You do not have to have it all figured out before you reach out. Schedule a 15-minute phone consultation and take the first step toward rebuilding connection with the person you love.